I have wanted to write a book for a long time. Writing is the only thing I have done since as long as I can remember. It is the only creative process that I have felt easily called and surrendered to. When I think about my grade school years, I remember the poems and short stories I wrote for the annual writing contests. I remember the love and inspiration that came straight from my little 11-year-old heart and into those pieces. And even though I have abandoned writing on and off throughout the years, it never abandons me. As soon as I pick up the pen, or open the Word document as it goes these days, my hands start to move and the words come forth. It is the only act that I participate in where time stands still. Where hours pass feeling only like minutes. It is this place where I disappear and something else comes forth. We all have these gifts. We all have some type of indestructible creativity. For me, it is writing.
And yet it has taken some time. It has taken time for me to fully recognize and own this creative force. It has taken time for me to say, “I want to be a writer.” For years, perhaps since I was 20, my mother has been telling me to write my life story. She knew what I was supposed to be doing. She knew and she had no problem stating it. Why did I?
The answer came this morning. As I sat down on the couch in the kitchen (we’re getting the carpet cleaned) and began to reply to an email from a fellow Dharma woman (thank you, Tracey!), I felt the words “dark blessing” come forth. I felt them and I knew what I had been waiting for. I knew, what two seconds before, I did not know. And suddenly it was time to move forward…
But before moving forward I want to insert another piece of the story that I think is relevant because it says something about forming a vision, having a dream, and then watching that dream come to life. This summer I had the incredible fortune of spending two months on the Italian island Sardegna. My home during this time was Il Giardino Incantanto which means “the Enchanted Garden” and does more than live up to it’s name. During this time, I slept under the stars, practiced yummy yoga on a terrace overlooking the countryside, feasted on amazing meals, and shared deep heart secrets with lovely people from around the world. It was on June 26th, the night of the full moon, that I sat under the stars with three of my garden companions and shared my dream for spiritual writing. I shared that I wanted to write a book on the Buddhist teaching of 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. This came out of the insights that came forth last year while honoring my father’s life after he committed suicide. Moments of crystalline awareness of the simultaneous joys and sorrows of life opened my heart to an entirely new perception of the Buddhist teaching I had always loved. My companions were inspired and promised to support me in the endeavor. And then that was that. I thought of the wish frequently over the following weeks, but simply sat waiting for a call to action.
And now we have circled back to this morning when I was hit with a shot of inspiration. And I would like to share with you that as of about two hours ago, I am writing a book called Dark Blessings. Here is a quick peek into the beginnings of the book…
“Sometimes we are blessed. Sometimes we are deeply blessed in a way that is full of light and what seems like the universe aligning in our favor. Sometimes it all seems too good to be true. And sometimes we are blessed in other ways. We are blessed in darkness. We receive gifts that we actually refer to as curses, bad luck, bad karma, or evil forces. We fall to our knees and scream, “WHY?” Sometimes we are blessed with pain and destruction. It is easy in these times to fall into great self-pity and distress. But that is not our only option. There is also the potential for a dark blessing to arise. The key is to surrender to the darkness in a way that allows it to rework you, to remake you, to heal and empower you.”
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. And a simple outline of what the chapters of the book may look like. And to honest, I’m not quite sure what to do next.
But at this moment, my idea is to share with you my process for writing the book. To let you in on where I get stuck in the mud and where it comes forth like the waves of the sea. I want to share sentences and paragraphs that excite me. I want to share moments that bring tears and healing. I have this blog which is very much in line with the spirit of the book and I figure, “Why not join the two? Why not create a little yoga of writing?”
Just two months before my father died, I decided to share with him a collection of papers I wrote for my undergraduate degree. These papers were deeply personal and delved into my experience with things such as trauma, grief, isolation, and despair. After my father died, I found a handwritten letter that he wrote in response to reading the papers. The note is one of my most cherished possessions and within it he tells me to write. “You have a gift for communication,” he says, “and you need to write.”
And so it was in his dying process that my father gave me the guidance and courage to bring forth what I have always wanted to do. And because I know this will be both a deeply challenging and rewarding phase of life for me, I want to share it with you.
Thank you for joining me. Stay tuned…
With love & warm wishes,
Rachel